Friday, May 2, 2014
how to meet someone, a not how-to guide
When I was in elementary and middle school I watched a lot of movies that were about high schoolers. She's All That, American Pie, Can't Hardly Wait. The lady characters wore sexy outfits to class. Boys chased girls relentlessly. And they always attended these huge parties, where obtaining alcohol was never an issue and no one ever discussed the risks of drunk driving. I was so disappointed when I got to high school and none of those things were a reality for me. In high school, I was always hunting for someone to buy me booze and someone to agree to be my sober driver.
I went to an all-girls high school, which made things difficult for me. But I've never been good with boys/guys/men. I was always jealous of the Queen Bee types, guys attract to them like magnets. Magnets because I didn't observe any real chemistry or passion. But in high school, a lot of the guys easily migrated towards one girl, or at the very least a type of girl. And I've never been like that. If I do attract men, they are the weird looking or overweight, but super nice. Or moderately good looking with severe emotional baggage. Now at the wise age of 24, I know I'm not attracted to the former and the latter ends up with a phone call to the police.
In the past, I've told myself I could never attract a hot guy or I didn't deserve a nice guy. But I'm really trying to "find the right man" now. Because I have about 5 years to birth a child, and I'd like to know the father of that child for at least 5 year; I'd like him to be kind and loving, attractive, successful, not be racist, and know how to spell 'a lot' correctly. But everyday I live that dream narrows a little bit more.
After leaving a 2.5 year relationship, I experimented with Internet dating. I went on a dating/sex sprint for 3 months. But I stopped after three or four casual flings. I know I could have kept going and probably met someone mediocre, but during this life transition I developed two crushes at the dog park.
Dog park crushes or DPC, are no joke. Dudes that are mature enough to care for a dog are a hot commodity; at least for me. And I live in a beautiful (but expensive) part of Lincoln Park, which means the men are professionally successful but not immature enough to live in Wrigleyville. Dogs + Lincoln Park apartment = Probably a great mate. But I'd say about 90% of the male dog owners in my hood are in a relationship. (I'll explain how I weed out those suckers out later.) But I came across 2 guys at the dog park who presented single-ish vibes.
At this point, I feel like I've done the hard work and I'm ready to reap my reward. Finding a guy that I like in an organic setting is almost unheard of. (For our purposes, we will say organic is a sober and non-Internet way to meet.) I've never met a guy at work because non profits are dominated by females, and gay males are in second place, and third place is really sexy men with great personalities and have hearts of gold because they work at a non profit, but are most likely in a relationship. Its a tricky balance. Back to my original point of this paragraph, its very hard to find someone you like in the real world and when you're not wasted off your ass. And the dog park creates all sorts of easy conversation and comedy. By finding two hot, single, and kind guys at the dog park I really felt like I hit the jackpot. But after congratulating myself on the amazing victory of finding a DPC, I realized I had no idea what to do with them from that point.
How do you send signals that you like someone? How do you find out if they are seeing someone? In these days, people are casually dating or hooking up so often, making it difficult to know if he's involved with anyone else, even on an informal level. How do you flirt? Do I ask them out? Because men don't seem to be asking me out in beautiful, organic settings. Do I live out my feminist values and be confident enough to ask a guy out on a date? Confidence is sexy, right? How do you know if he's interested in you or he's is just nice, which is why you're attracted to him in the first place?
Not one of my friends have answers to any of my questions. I don't have a lot of friends and the few friends I do have that are in relationships can't seem to remember what dating was like. But my even fewer single friends don't seem to have or understand my dilemma. They don't crave to meet a man in a natural setting, such as the dog park located near North Pond where I've always wanted to get married. Most of my friends don't have the same desire to meet someone like I do, which either stems from my daddy issues or something.
Obviously when my friends fail to meet my needs I turn to my second closest group of friends-TV & movies. And when I watch blondes in their 20s on TV and in movies men seem to be asking them out with ease. In RomComs, women get asked out at the gym, coffee shop, or public transit. But this hasn't happened to any of my friends, and it definitely has never happened to me. If I'm lucky, a man will sloppily ask for my number at the bar and we don't go home together. But that never pans out. Once I ordered Irish Car Bombs for a couple of guys I was chatting with, and one dude blurted out that he loved, which was the cutest thing ever. We exchanged numbers, and I even took the initiative and texted him, but I never heard back.
So far, meeting romantic partners via friends has provided few options. But knowing mutual friends usually makes each party comfortable enough to ask for a number. And you're more likely to know if they are involved with someone. But like I've said I don't have many friends left in the city and I work with a lot ladies who have the same problem. I ask people all the time to "hook me up", like a blind date you see on TV shows. But no one does that either.
With apps like Tinder and behavior like binge drinking, young men don't feel like they have to ask ladies out at the gym or dog park. My age group seems to hide behind alcohol and computer screens to let others know you are available and interested. Is is because we are so insecure? Am I only hot to ugly men? Am I just not seeing the options? Am I just not patient enough?
I went to an all-girls high school, which made things difficult for me. But I've never been good with boys/guys/men. I was always jealous of the Queen Bee types, guys attract to them like magnets. Magnets because I didn't observe any real chemistry or passion. But in high school, a lot of the guys easily migrated towards one girl, or at the very least a type of girl. And I've never been like that. If I do attract men, they are the weird looking or overweight, but super nice. Or moderately good looking with severe emotional baggage. Now at the wise age of 24, I know I'm not attracted to the former and the latter ends up with a phone call to the police.
In the past, I've told myself I could never attract a hot guy or I didn't deserve a nice guy. But I'm really trying to "find the right man" now. Because I have about 5 years to birth a child, and I'd like to know the father of that child for at least 5 year; I'd like him to be kind and loving, attractive, successful, not be racist, and know how to spell 'a lot' correctly. But everyday I live that dream narrows a little bit more.
After leaving a 2.5 year relationship, I experimented with Internet dating. I went on a dating/sex sprint for 3 months. But I stopped after three or four casual flings. I know I could have kept going and probably met someone mediocre, but during this life transition I developed two crushes at the dog park.
Dog park crushes or DPC, are no joke. Dudes that are mature enough to care for a dog are a hot commodity; at least for me. And I live in a beautiful (but expensive) part of Lincoln Park, which means the men are professionally successful but not immature enough to live in Wrigleyville. Dogs + Lincoln Park apartment = Probably a great mate. But I'd say about 90% of the male dog owners in my hood are in a relationship. (I'll explain how I weed out those suckers out later.) But I came across 2 guys at the dog park who presented single-ish vibes.
At this point, I feel like I've done the hard work and I'm ready to reap my reward. Finding a guy that I like in an organic setting is almost unheard of. (For our purposes, we will say organic is a sober and non-Internet way to meet.) I've never met a guy at work because non profits are dominated by females, and gay males are in second place, and third place is really sexy men with great personalities and have hearts of gold because they work at a non profit, but are most likely in a relationship. Its a tricky balance. Back to my original point of this paragraph, its very hard to find someone you like in the real world and when you're not wasted off your ass. And the dog park creates all sorts of easy conversation and comedy. By finding two hot, single, and kind guys at the dog park I really felt like I hit the jackpot. But after congratulating myself on the amazing victory of finding a DPC, I realized I had no idea what to do with them from that point.
How do you send signals that you like someone? How do you find out if they are seeing someone? In these days, people are casually dating or hooking up so often, making it difficult to know if he's involved with anyone else, even on an informal level. How do you flirt? Do I ask them out? Because men don't seem to be asking me out in beautiful, organic settings. Do I live out my feminist values and be confident enough to ask a guy out on a date? Confidence is sexy, right? How do you know if he's interested in you or he's is just nice, which is why you're attracted to him in the first place?
Not one of my friends have answers to any of my questions. I don't have a lot of friends and the few friends I do have that are in relationships can't seem to remember what dating was like. But my even fewer single friends don't seem to have or understand my dilemma. They don't crave to meet a man in a natural setting, such as the dog park located near North Pond where I've always wanted to get married. Most of my friends don't have the same desire to meet someone like I do, which either stems from my daddy issues or something.
Obviously when my friends fail to meet my needs I turn to my second closest group of friends-TV & movies. And when I watch blondes in their 20s on TV and in movies men seem to be asking them out with ease. In RomComs, women get asked out at the gym, coffee shop, or public transit. But this hasn't happened to any of my friends, and it definitely has never happened to me. If I'm lucky, a man will sloppily ask for my number at the bar and we don't go home together. But that never pans out. Once I ordered Irish Car Bombs for a couple of guys I was chatting with, and one dude blurted out that he loved, which was the cutest thing ever. We exchanged numbers, and I even took the initiative and texted him, but I never heard back.
So far, meeting romantic partners via friends has provided few options. But knowing mutual friends usually makes each party comfortable enough to ask for a number. And you're more likely to know if they are involved with someone. But like I've said I don't have many friends left in the city and I work with a lot ladies who have the same problem. I ask people all the time to "hook me up", like a blind date you see on TV shows. But no one does that either.
With apps like Tinder and behavior like binge drinking, young men don't feel like they have to ask ladies out at the gym or dog park. My age group seems to hide behind alcohol and computer screens to let others know you are available and interested. Is is because we are so insecure? Am I only hot to ugly men? Am I just not seeing the options? Am I just not patient enough?
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